It has been a while since writing. For that I apologize. Holidays, health and births have taken my attention. But here are some thoughts.
It was often told to me that it is the Dominant’s responsibility to satisfy the Needs of their submissives, but it is their choice as to whether or not they satisfy their submissive’s wants.
To me that seemed a relatively simple, understandable and reasonable statement. If I am taking some level of responsibility for the well being of this person, much like a parent has responsibility for their child, it is understandable that I would be responsible for their needs, but just because my little girl wants a pony, that does not necessarily mean she will be getting a pony.
But even in Daddy/little girl relationships, understanding the statement is not easily translated into a practical application thereof. Hopefully we are dealing with adults here, adults who may have had many years experience in deciding exactly what their needs and wants might be. But deciding the difference between our needs and wants is profoundly different from responsibly deciding what is a need and what is a want in someone else.
The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects. We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship. Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere. In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it.
Let us look at the following example: The two of you have talked extensively about the mutual desire to broaden your sexual relationship, go for a triad for example. She may a great desire and vast experience with bi-sexuality, for instance, and truly enjoy girl/boy/girl porn. She thinks that doing that would be so HOT! You may feel that adding a third to your family would be a delight.
But then comes the day when the two of you invite some hot and horny woman into your bedroom. Your partner, with whom you have worked for years so she can feel as open and vulnerable to you as possible, look at you as her guide and director, her adviser and teacher, the one who who she allows within this vulnerability to take her to really incredible heights of sexual passion by all those lovely things that You do to HER. Now she is watching you do all these lovely HER things to this other woman who shows incredible appreciation for the passion you are lifting in her and you are sincerely loving that appreciation that previously you got only from your partner, and your partner sees that and suddenly things are not going as wonderfully as you both had anticipated. This is immediately complicated by her knowing she agreed to this, and it is, after all, obviously pleasurable to you.
Or possibly she has wanted to experience two men all her life, and you find another Dominant and you both Top her and you find her responding to His Dominance as she does to yours, or more and eagerly following His directions or responding to His sadistic thrills as she does to yours. Suddenly you do not seem as special in your partner’s eyes. Your appreciation is just not quite as great. That disillusionment, in either case, can drag on and effect your relationship for quite a long period of time.
What is a Dominant, a Master to do? That is a very difficult question and one I have been struggling with for quite a while. Let me say now that I do not have an answer. But as usual, I have some thoughts.
Something I dearly wish to avoid are disastrous mistakes. We are dealing, after all, with deeply personal levels of behavior that are often glossed over in relationships. Most people don’t do what we do and a disastrous mistake can result in the end of a relationship, particularly in times when people jump into fantasy behavior without thinking about the practical and realistic results.
So my first thought is, Take Your Time. There is no rush here. Talking about it is fine, describe it, suggest different scenarios. Suggest different outcomes, even unpleasant ones. Talk about how the two of you would handle them.
Then Listen. You will hear the sincere joy or the concern. There will always be hints. Be aware of long pauses with questions such as, “Is that what you want?” Is she just asking, or is she expressing a deep concern. Then be honest with yourself? Is it what you want? Is it important enough to examine the basis of your relationship, because that is what is required? May be, may not be. That is up to you. But make an honest decision. If you discover that there is an area of fragility, then it is up to you to decide if your relationship is strong enough to test it or whether or not this activity should be postponed.
Observe. Does she come back to a subject the next day? Does she seem unsettled? As a scheduled event approach is she quieter or are there disagreements over unrelated subjects that usually do not happen? Does she do her service with less joy?
The question is, is it more important to go forward with an event with the possibility of unsettled issues which can cause difficulty in the future, or is it better to wait, postpone the event, and for both of you to work towards transparency and trust? Which is more important? What exactly are Your wants and your needs? I usually move towards waiting.
Remember, what you want is success. But that takes long planning and consideration of all possible side effects.
Some interesting blogs on the subject by some knowledgeable people, my good friend and a very KinkyLittleGirl is one. A multiblog post from the Submissive Guide is another, but it aims particularly at how a submissive can discern between Wants and Needs, and not from a Dominant’s point of view. A longer post from A Submissives journey is good. He does tend to tell you exactly what those needs are for all submissive women, and you should know that this site has the following policy, “This website is dedicated to the belief and practice of “Absolute Submission” and “Unconditional Surrender” within the “Ancient” and “Biblical” documented and practiced “Natural Order” of women consensually submitting to men.” Not a philosophy with which I totally agree, but it is an interesting read.